Category Archives: Non-duality

i can’t do this anymore

the title is how I feel…so, I’d say, change is in the air

Waking up wondering what the hell I’m doing. There is a solution: to keep busy. But instead, I’m scuba diving down deep into my being. Whatever that is. And searching. For who? For what? For some kind of a clue to a deeper presence and a deeper surrender. To a place of self-honor instead of self-betrayal.

from the Diamond Sutra:

“This is how to contemplate our conditioned existence in this fleeting world: Like a tiny drop of dew, or a bubble floating in a stream; like a flash of lightening in a summer cloud, or a flickering lamp, an illusion, a phantom, or a dream. So is all conditioned existence to be seen. Thus spoke the Buddha.”

re-entry

lost and alone on some forgotten highway, don’t know where I’m going, not sure where I’ve been
looking for something that I can believe in
looking for something that I’d like to do
with my life
…words from a John Denver song

I recently got some John Denver CDs of albums I’d listened to over and over again when I was growing up. I realize how much those songs influenced me. Sometimes I cry remembering them, remembering the girl I was, the dreams I had, the life that’s happened instead of those dreams.

Now I sit, quietly, awake late at night, praying for acceptance. My own. Compassion for who I am and the decisions I made. Deep healing, deep letting go, deep remembering.

I feel grateful. So grateful. For life. For permission to live and grow, to finally accept things as they are. To accept me as I am.

I am not what anyone thinks I am. I’m not what I think I am. None of us are. We are fluid. We are only semi-boundaried. Mostly, we are water. No. Mostly, we are vast, empty space. Between the electrons and protons and neutrons within the atoms that make us up, we are mostly not. How strange is that? How free. We are empty. Unwritten black blank slates. Easily erased, easily rewritten.

ahhhhh…breathe deeply. sleep soundly. sending love out to the cosmos. to you.

What do you do?

Tonight’s $90,000,000 question: What do you do when you are so upset about something that you can’t sleep? Of course, you are upset about something that you cannot change, and that you don’t want to be upset about, let alone lose sleep over. No, I am not going to talk about it, not here in this blog. And please, don’t even try to figure it out (sorry, I know that’s like telling you not to think about pink elephants), because I’m pretty sure at least most of you will get it wrong. Don’t worry. I’m not mad at you.

So, as I was saying—I’m worked up and feeling pissed off. And I notice an interesting thing: once I’m pissed about anything, then all kinds of other shit comes to mind that I’ve been angry about in the recent past as well. And then very quickly, somewhat surreptitiously, usually without my noticing, I’m angry at myself. So now I’m pissed at a situation, at someone, and at someone else: me.

Once I realize this, things shift a bit. I’m still angry, but a little of the edge wears off, replaced by sadness and some amount of regret and even despair. I don’t want to be angry. At anyone else or at myself. I’m caught in the crossfire of my own emotional table tennis match, one in which I am the star player and my opponent is, well…that’s right, my opponent is ME.

Anyway, regardless of all that recognition, the upset-ness is still so present with me that I’m not able to sleep.

And, all this comes on the heels of one of my favorite weekends in my life ever, so far. It equals the best horse shows and sleepover parties of my adolescence. On Friday night I put on my 30th high school reunion. And then on Saturday I attended an all-class reunion picnic at this amazing park near my high school. Park isn’t even the right word. Pound Ridge Reservation—a HUGE natural area. Down at Kimberly Bridge, when we were older, everyone would bring their six-packs after noon on summer Sunday afternoons. When we were younger, we sledded down Pell Hill and went on hikes…oh, the “Res” was our refuge and our meeting place.

I saw so many old friends and acquaintances, reconnected, realized that the walls that separated us 30 years ago were flimsy illusions. Laughed and told stories and just generally fell in love with everyone. Felt grateful that I got to grow up in such a really cool place.

And then, BAM. An ongoing issue raises it’s head, pretty much just because I started to think about it. Oh, wouldn’t it be nice if we could turn off our thoughts like the water faucet? Since we can’t, though, I know the teachings about being with what is, being completely 100% present with every single feeling and thought. Experiencing their arising, their existence, and their fading away. Because fade away they do. Everything that is born, dies. Except the source of all that is, which remains completely incomprehensible by mind.

Sorry. Did I lose you? Well, welcome to the inside of my mind. Yes. It’s a bit of a weird place to be. It’s 12:30 AM. I really want to go to sleep. I started to write in hopes I could write this out and get to some sort of relief so I can sleep. I’m not sure I did that. But I do feel more spacious about the whole thing. This too shall pass. Thank-freaking-god.