Category Archives: buddhism

i can’t do this anymore

the title is how I feel…so, I’d say, change is in the air

Waking up wondering what the hell I’m doing. There is a solution: to keep busy. But instead, I’m scuba diving down deep into my being. Whatever that is. And searching. For who? For what? For some kind of a clue to a deeper presence and a deeper surrender. To a place of self-honor instead of self-betrayal.

from the Diamond Sutra:

“This is how to contemplate our conditioned existence in this fleeting world: Like a tiny drop of dew, or a bubble floating in a stream; like a flash of lightening in a summer cloud, or a flickering lamp, an illusion, a phantom, or a dream. So is all conditioned existence to be seen. Thus spoke the Buddha.”

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and the world keeps changing

In typical fashion, life has taken a few turns since my last post.  It turns out there’s a place for me in Wenatchee.  I’m going back to the farm for a few months.  I’m going to stay into January.  Going to do some microgreens growing for Grace, keep that business going, while she and Bruce go on their 2-month honeymoon in SE Asia.  And I’ll live on the farm in the cold, dark Washington winter. I’m actually very much looking forward to that.  So I’m not going back to live in SC.  Not now, anyway.

I’m considering, very very strongly considering, going back to school to study writing.  I am going to Boulder next week, to check out the MFA in Writing and Poetics at Naropa University.  I am very excited about this.  It feels like a dream that I’ve never even allowed myself to acknowledge I had.

Right now, I’m in a hotel room in Winslow, AZ.  I just had to stay in this town at least once in my life.  The line in that old Jackson Browne/Glenn Fry song, “standing on a corner in winslow, arizona…” always goes through my head.  “Take it Easy” is the name of the song.  You probably know it.  Almost everyone does.

I’m leaving here shortly, to go see an old college friend named Steve in Sedona, about an hour and a half away.  He and his wife and two kids have a condo there, and they come up often from their home in Phoenix.  Steve and I have not seen each other in probably 25 years or more. It’s very exciting.  We were very very good friends in college.  Met in Sanskrit class.  I think that about sums it all up right there.  There were maybe 8 people in the class, total.  And maybe only 5 actually finished.  This was at SUNY Stony Brook, with an undergraduate populations in the multi-thousands.  (gosh, how big WAS that school, anyway?)

I’m really looking froward to seeing Steve and to meeting his family.  After that, I’m heading to Boulder to check out Naropa. Then back to Santa Cruz for about 10 days or so.  Hope to see many of my friends in the Bay Area, plus do something with most of my stuff.  As in, get rid of it.  That’s a big one for me also.  I’ve been lugging around my dad’s old desks (my dad was a writer and he died in 2003).  I realize that I have a lot of sentimental attachments to things.  So it’s been important to me to keep those desks.  And also a dresser and nightstand from my parents.  But the thing is, none of it is really what I would want, in terms of style and look.  And my brother made one of those desks…that is part of it. But he and I talked about it a lot while we were in New Mexico together over the past week, and he helped me feel ok about letting them all go. Which I feel great about.

So, it’s all coming together, this life of mine.  It’s moving forward in wonderful ways that I could not have imagined before.  I’m very grateful for it all, and for my health and my continued ability to travel.  And for my great little subaru-car.  It’s such a rocking little mobility machine.  beep beep – off I go!

oh, one more little note – if you like to keep in touch with me, please subscribe to this blog…on the right at the top, just click “subscribe” and do whatever it says.  And be sure to read the email you will get afterwards, because that will require you to click a link to confirm your subscription. I’d be so happy to have you along for the blog ride!  🙂