Wet and Tired in San Luis Obispo

I woke up in a hotel room in San Luis Obispo at 6 am this morning. I don’t even need an alarm anymore. I jut wake up. And when I looked outside, it was raining. I’ve got a long drive home, and a photoshop assignment to do.

I’ve been pretty sporadic with this blog. Inconsistently posting. And more than that, it feels pretty amorphic. Unformed. Shapeless. Some bloggers seem to blog happy, witty stuff. Some people spin with they say, so they look cool. Some people moan and groan. I don’t want to do any of these things. I just want to write about life, and what it’s like to live it, and post photographs.

I’m struggling with inner voices telling me I’m no good. The thing is, while I have a hard time believing them, I can’t quite get away from them, either. There are two main things I beat myself up about: I don’t get shit done and I don’t like the way I acted with someone. I want to be perfect. I want to be endlessly productive. I want to be the best friend who ever was. I want to be a master at sitting in silence. But…it turns out, I am not perfect, I am incredibly inefficient, I blurt out stupid and hurtful things before I realize what I’m saying, I am endlessly distracted and I fidget continuously.

Okay. Truth be told, it’s not that bad. Mostly, I’m doing well, I have good friends, a nice home…but the days keep turning into weeks, months and years, and very-few-to-none of my ideas get manifested. This is incredibly frustrating. I feel like I am wasting my life. And who knows how much time I’ve got left. Two times in the past three days, I came *THS* close to getting run off the road by an almost-out-of-control tractor-trailer. Every morning I wake up and think, Oh my god, I’m still alive. How much longer is this gift gonna last? I think how precious this human existence is, and how I want to make something of it and not waste it, and be fully fully alive, loving, particpatory. I realize I had checked out of life for a LONG time. Finding my way back in is proving to be a challenge.

 

 

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2 thoughts on “Wet and Tired in San Luis Obispo”

  1. yes, accepting our imperfections is so very, very hard. and the burden of ‘making this life count’ can be far too much to bear on some days. make sure you check in with people you trust on days like today, who can remind you of how much you do give to the world and who can help you ignore the voices that ‘dis’ you in your head. remember that positive self-talk is crucial … we hear our own words and give them so much more weight that we realize. as a fellow owner of a ‘hyper-critical conscience’ i know the pain of ‘not measuring up’ to some standard that we got … where ? that’s the key : yes, you could be gone tomorrow, but i promise your worth during your time here will not be about what you got done. nor will each micro example of less-than-perfect social interaction be put under some cosmic microscope to be used in your eternal trial. did you love well today ? did you love yourself well today ? no ? let us pray then that you get another chance tomorrow … and if you don’t, that’s ok too.
    and just for the record, i quite enjoy your blog !

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