Franklin the Bear

Franklin the bear is staring at me from his spot on my desk. Are you writing again? he asks.

I’m trying, Franklin. Trying. Lonely and fearful. Angry at my perceptions of hypocrisy by people I thought I could count on. Slipping into that place where the dark corners look darker, and the blue sky hides. Yet who can ever be 100% reliable? And when is the sky ever always blue?

Reaching in deeply, pulling out the memories that hurt to look at again. But these days, there’s new capacity for me to look at these stories and retell them, reframe the pain.

I think my heart opened wide this summer, and a lot of buried stuff got released. And I’m feeling it, big time. But, you know…it’s ultimately a good thing. And as I move through and release it, I’ll be free of that burden.

Today I found a therapist who can help with managing ADHD and also with everything else. I like her. She diagnosed me, uh, that would be a resounding YES on the ADHD. Okay, good to know. She told me that it takes me longer to do things because so many thoughts fly through my brain, and that I need to accept that and plan for it. I guess I never have accepted it. I’ve judged myself instead.

She also said, “did you say you have a master’s degree?” And when I said I did, she told me that I should recognize that I’ve already done more than many people with ADHD are able to do without help and diagnosis. So I could feel good about that.

I guess I will take her at her word on that one. I need to let myself feel good about something right now!

Have I shown you Franklin yet?

(Veronica, I know you are reading this. Franklin says HI and thanks for sending him to live in California. He likes it here a lot.)

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5 thoughts on “Franklin the Bear”

  1. Here’s another one rooting for you, bella. And I’ve been there, as I think all of us have, with those disappointments (whether they be about other people letting you down or about judging yourself) – tame that critic. love you, aloha friday, maria

  2. Praying for healing and peace as the ‘deep dark shit’ surfaces and as you stare straight in the face of who you ARE and let go of who you thought you were or who you thought might be … who you ARE is beautiful … and resting in that will bring peace and healing eventually. Remember to grieve … we do become so very wedded to our self-perceptions … but who we ARE is so much more real, so much more nurturing and holds so much more promise of true happiness and peace. You are not alone ! And no, you will not be able to count on me 100%, every day, every moment … but to the best of my abilities I will be here for you and learn with you to love just who you are !

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