There’s a quote, attributed to the Dalai Lama:
“Every day, think as you wake up,
today I am fortunate to have woken up,
I am alive,
I have a precious human life,
I am not going to waste it.”
I know it’s been set to music, and I’ve heard it sung. It is incredibly moving. I wish I could find a recording of it to link to, but there’s not one I could find on YouTube or anywhere online.So, if you are reading this, and you know the song, please record it and upload it to YouTube. And then let me know, so I can link to it from this-here blog.
Okay, so, anyway…sometimes I get down and I forget how precious this life is. What a gift it is. In AA, people talk about your gratitude list. “Have you made your gratitude list?” is a common response when someone is complaining about how hard their life seems to be. Okay, point taken. I’m grateful. For this life, and for much more.
I am also struggling. Something I’ve been really noticing lately, despite the fact that I want to deny it, is that I still seem to have a lot of anger in me. At least, over the past few weeks. I think it may be that a whole underground lake of it got discovered during recent excavations of my heart. As my heart breaks open, stuff locked inside is released. That’s the way I look at it, anyway.
Reading about ADHD a bunch. I am not kidding—I match every single symptom. And it says on all the websites that for adults who have not been diagnosed, when they finally find out they have it, they can feel a great sense of relief. Uh, yeah. I’d say that’s true. Last night at midnight you would have found me bawling in my bed, as I realized that I’m not lazy, or stupid, or uncaring, or unloving…or any of a list of other adjectives that I and others have applied to me over the years. I have a really hard time with a lot of things. But it’s not intentional. What a freaking relief.
So, now I’m having a series of pretty hard days. But I know that it will pass, and that brighter times lie ahead. I’m tracking down people who can test for ADHD, and who specialize in helping people with it. Also, I’m not jumping into the neurofeedback quite yet after all, just because money is tight and although I can trade with my housemate to do it, first I need a “brain map” which costs just over $200. And I’m not quite ready to spend that much.
Today two people got pissed off at me in one of my classes. One was because I’m sick of people talking when the teacher is talking, and I “shushed” them. Oooh. Wow. This one young woman was pretty pissed at me. And, apparently—based on how she stomped by me and said over her shoulder, “I don’t want to be shushed again!”—she is not familiar with NVC. Well, hmmm. This is a conundrum for me. I really hope I can learn to either communicate better with people, or just learn to let go of stuff like that. I wonder if I have a touch of OCD also.
for no particular reason, here are some photos from NYC this past August: