this precious human life

There’s a quote, attributed to the Dalai Lama:

“Every day, think as you wake up,
today I am fortunate to have woken up,
I am alive,
I have a precious human life,
I am not going to waste it.”

I know it’s been set to music, and I’ve heard it sung. It is incredibly moving. I wish I could find a recording of it to link to, but there’s not one I could find on YouTube or anywhere online.So, if you are reading this, and you know the song, please record it and upload it to YouTube. And then let me know, so I can link to it from this-here blog.

Okay, so, anyway…sometimes I get down and I forget how precious this life is. What a gift it is. In AA, people talk about your gratitude list. “Have you made your gratitude list?” is a common response when someone is complaining about how hard their life seems to be. Okay, point taken. I’m grateful. For this life, and for much more.

I am also struggling. Something I’ve been really noticing lately, despite the fact that I want to deny it, is that I still seem to have a lot of anger in me. At least, over the past few weeks. I think it may be that a whole underground lake of it got discovered during recent excavations of my heart. As my heart breaks open, stuff locked inside is released. That’s the way I look at it, anyway.

Reading about ADHD a bunch. I am not kidding—I match every single symptom. And it says on all the websites that for adults who have not been diagnosed, when they finally find out they have it, they can feel a great sense of relief. Uh, yeah. I’d say that’s true. Last night at midnight you would have found me bawling in my bed, as I realized that I’m not lazy, or stupid, or uncaring, or unloving…or any of a list of other adjectives that I and others have applied to me over the years. I have a really hard time with a lot of things. But it’s not intentional. What a freaking relief.

So, now I’m having a series of pretty hard days. But I know that it will pass, and that brighter times lie ahead. I’m tracking down people who can test for ADHD, and who specialize in helping people with it. Also, I’m not jumping into the neurofeedback quite yet after all, just because money is tight and although I can trade with my housemate to do it, first I need a “brain map” which costs just over $200. And I’m not quite ready to spend that much.

Today two people got pissed off at me in one of my classes. One was because I’m sick of people talking when the teacher is talking, and I “shushed” them. Oooh. Wow. This one young woman was pretty pissed at me. And, apparently—based on how she stomped by me and said over her shoulder, “I don’t want to be shushed again!”—she is not familiar with NVC. Well, hmmm. This is a conundrum for me. I really hope I can learn to either communicate better with people, or just learn to let go of stuff like that. I wonder if I have a touch of OCD also.

sigh

for no particular reason, here are some photos from NYC this past August:

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9 thoughts on “this precious human life”

  1. dear uma… I am also having some deepening and realizations like these! I have found myself looking deep within at habits and choices and behaviors. I love how you create your environment and hold others accountable and I know some people are challenged by that. People are usually pissy when they know they are in the wrong and are embarrassed. Anyhow, I really enjoyed your sharing and know that I am here and so good to know that others have these events in their lives too. I love you and know that you are working so hard always and trust that you are good in the process and not being overwhelmed? love you Miss UMA!!!!!!!!! xox

    1. sweet friend, oh how it warms my heart to hear your words. thank you thank you. You are a gift and a blessing to this world and to ME. so much love back to you. I’ve been struggling, but today was a much better day, partly because of the comments on this blog. Big Texas love to you, lovely Veronica lady.

  2. Loved the “shushing” piece, I want to do that so often, but am afraid of that glare I will get. Amazing how grown ups are worse than kids at being rude and then don’t even acknowledge it. Good for you for demanding your right to hear the teacher. I am really enjoying your posts and love to see you evolving through them.

    1. Joan (I want to call you Joni), I’m so glad to hear you understand. Thanks so much and I’m really loving that you are subscribing. I love FB and how it’s brought so many unexpected connections with people from my past. 🙂

  3. I find it useful to turn to Buddhist texts when I am out of sync or anxious. There is a lot of wisdom to be found there. I’m sorry to hear you’re up and down (more down right now). But I also find allowing myself to be angry is useful to my own development.
    As for the rude students – remember that youth is wasted on the young.
    Your photography is amazing. Please keep posting.

    1. Funny you mention Buddhism, Scribbla, as I was a committed practitioner for many years (that’s where my name, Uma, comes from). I do turn to the basic non-dual teachings and understandings, quite automatically and naturally. Thanks for the reminder. I can’t tell you how amazing it is for me that you think my photography is amazing. Thank you so much. I’m so insecure about it. But every day I’m learning more (I shoot a lot, plus am taking three photography classes right now). And am starting to trust that some of what I shoot is “good.” whatever that means. Anyway, love and greetings from Santa Cruz, CA all the way round the world to you and Namibia. (PS please let me know if you get this reply)

      1. Hi again! I got this reply.
        My experience of photography is like writing. I spent a long time really, really insecure by the shots I was taking – there are so many incredible photographers out there, their work so (intimidatingly) easy to access on the net. I reached a point where I stopped taking photos because of my insecurity. But when I look back at my shots now, I am happy with them. I can hear my voice in the work. And I am pleased by that, regardless of what others may think. I’m not afraid to take the shot anymore. I try and write like that too – from a place of my own authenticity. It’s all we can do.

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