adhd

Okay, this is going to a slightly more wordy blog than the last few.

I realized this summer I have ADHD. Now that I’ve figure it out, I’m like, DUH.

So, that explains why I have always had a hard time with follow-through, why I am challenged to finish projects, why my heart aches and my head spins when I think of everything I want to do in my life, why multiple moving parts make me feel crazy. Why I acquired the label “underachiever” as a kid.

I believed them and blamed myself. Why was I an underachiever? Why didn’t I ever live up to my potential? I’m a smart girl, high marks on standardized tests. Why always the failure, the inability to stay focused, changing my mind, flitting about? For decades, I’ve lived with this intense self-judgement. Why can’t I get things done? What is WRONG with me?

I have blamed myself, and kept myself hidden, and pretended I could do it. Knowing, fearing, that I couldn’t. Trying again and again. Spending HOURS to read a scientific paper that other’s could wiz through. Taking hours too long to finish projects at a job where I had to bill my time by ten minute increments, and come in under budget. I couldn’t do it. I blamed myself, judged myself a failure.

I live by lists. But how to translate a long list into a day and a week’s organized life? Completely overwhelmed. Surfing the internet, or watching movies, to avoid the failure.

Now, I am getting ready to do something about it. This week, I’ll start neurofeedback. My housemate just happens to do it. It’s one of the only non-drug modalities that is really helpful for ADHD. So, I’m hoping it helps. The other alternative, which I’m not ruling out, is medication.

This post is a statement, a claiming, a notice that the stigma stops here. ADHD is not a crime and I’m not going to be ashamed of it. Depression, alcoholism, addiction—all of which I’ve struggled with in years gone by—are illnesses, brain disorders, chemical imbalances. I do not have to feel guilty about them. I CAN do something about them. And I will.

If you are reading and can relate to any of this, hold your head up, do not let the myth of shame bind you. You are free, beautiful and worthy of love, respect and friendship. If you meet people along the way who don’t see it that way, that is not your affair. Let them go. Be who you are. Heal. Grow. Love yourself. Feel how you are loved by this universe. Perfect how you are. However you are.

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10 thoughts on “adhd”

  1. Incredibly powerful post! All I can think to say is ‘you go girl!’ I have suffered with depression all my life and feel the same as far as not feeling ashamed anymore. That is the first step in healing. Thank you for sharing and uplifting anyone else who is in the same boat 🙂

  2. Please run (do not walk) to the nearest health food store and get yourself on probiotics – preferably DDS-1 strain of acidophilus – and start taking tons of it. Yogurt won’t deliver enough. There is lots of info on the web about the connection between good gut biology and good physical and mental health, including ADHD.

    Probiotics need to be a daily part of your nutritional intake. It’s not something you “fix” once and then it stays good forever, not with the stuff we all eat.

  3. Good luck with the therapy. I will look forward to hearing how you feel as the therapy progresses. It is also important for people who live with this to get exercise everyday. Walking is fine. The body naturally releases stress through movement. I always recommend it as a first line intervention. I also commend you on your willingness to discuss medication should it become necessary. Most research has shown that medication alone is not effective. It should always be combined with a wholistic aproach to deal with individual. I know we talked about all of this, but I thought it worth repeating 🙂
    Love you.

  4. Others have said it above here, but YAY for you recognizing the adhd and NOT taking that as a stigma, but as a relief of sorts – knowing what to face and deal with. And then doing so with courage and grace. xo, maria

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