What do you do?

Tonight’s $90,000,000 question: What do you do when you are so upset about something that you can’t sleep? Of course, you are upset about something that you cannot change, and that you don’t want to be upset about, let alone lose sleep over. No, I am not going to talk about it, not here in this blog. And please, don’t even try to figure it out (sorry, I know that’s like telling you not to think about pink elephants), because I’m pretty sure at least most of you will get it wrong. Don’t worry. I’m not mad at you.

So, as I was saying—I’m worked up and feeling pissed off. And I notice an interesting thing: once I’m pissed about anything, then all kinds of other shit comes to mind that I’ve been angry about in the recent past as well. And then very quickly, somewhat surreptitiously, usually without my noticing, I’m angry at myself. So now I’m pissed at a situation, at someone, and at someone else: me.

Once I realize this, things shift a bit. I’m still angry, but a little of the edge wears off, replaced by sadness and some amount of regret and even despair. I don’t want to be angry. At anyone else or at myself. I’m caught in the crossfire of my own emotional table tennis match, one in which I am the star player and my opponent is, well…that’s right, my opponent is ME.

Anyway, regardless of all that recognition, the upset-ness is still so present with me that I’m not able to sleep.

And, all this comes on the heels of one of my favorite weekends in my life ever, so far. It equals the best horse shows and sleepover parties of my adolescence. On Friday night I put on my 30th high school reunion. And then on Saturday I attended an all-class reunion picnic at this amazing park near my high school. Park isn’t even the right word. Pound Ridge Reservation—a HUGE natural area. Down at Kimberly Bridge, when we were older, everyone would bring their six-packs after noon on summer Sunday afternoons. When we were younger, we sledded down Pell Hill and went on hikes…oh, the “Res” was our refuge and our meeting place.

I saw so many old friends and acquaintances, reconnected, realized that the walls that separated us 30 years ago were flimsy illusions. Laughed and told stories and just generally fell in love with everyone. Felt grateful that I got to grow up in such a really cool place.

And then, BAM. An ongoing issue raises it’s head, pretty much just because I started to think about it. Oh, wouldn’t it be nice if we could turn off our thoughts like the water faucet? Since we can’t, though, I know the teachings about being with what is, being completely 100% present with every single feeling and thought. Experiencing their arising, their existence, and their fading away. Because fade away they do. Everything that is born, dies. Except the source of all that is, which remains completely incomprehensible by mind.

Sorry. Did I lose you? Well, welcome to the inside of my mind. Yes. It’s a bit of a weird place to be. It’s 12:30 AM. I really want to go to sleep. I started to write in hopes I could write this out and get to some sort of relief so I can sleep. I’m not sure I did that. But I do feel more spacious about the whole thing. This too shall pass. Thank-freaking-god.

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8 thoughts on “What do you do?”

    1. I feel you across the miles, and I’m so grateful for your comment and for your friendship. I know you understand exactly what I’m talking about. I’m so glad you are listening. I love you so much.

  1. I don’t know what you were upset about but I do understand the feelings, the circling thoughts that keep you awake, the ping-pong match with yourself. Sorry you are feeling that, hope it passes quickly for you.

    1. thank you and it actually is passing. i slept after I posted that. Things are as they are, and sometimes at midnight they seem bigger, blacker, and more dangerous than they do during the first cup of coffee at 7:30 AM. Thanks for your comment, Indigo. It’s so good to feel your support.

  2. Awweee..here’s a hug baby sis! Feel better and don’t beat up on yourself. You started this new life to leave all that behind. Love you ! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

  3. SO been there – it’s even worse when your own stress/not-sleeping causes your 2 year old to not-sleep as well = 2 grumpy beings the next morning. But glad you can still appreciate the positive things happening (sounds like reunion weekend was a blast) and know that the icky feelings will pass and sleep will return! Love and miss you, Uma. xo, maria e mirella

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