Okay, hello, I’m back.
That last post I put up sort of freaked me out a bit. I began to feel like I had to write something intense and deep and dark and personal, or not at all.
Fact is, well, things aren’t that dark right now. But there’s still the bullshit little story-telling voices running around in my head, as they do in all heads, because that’s their job. So, maybe I’ll write a little about them. And some other stuff. Like physical pain and discomfort, for instance.
NEXT FOUR PARAGRAPHS BORING COMPLAINING ABOUT MY HEALTH AND BODY SO SKIP IT IF YOU WANT.
First off, my back hurts. Like really really badly hurts. And it’s beginning to get worse and worse, to the point that sometimes I have trouble standing or walking. And forget about leaning over. That just doesn’t happen anymore. I feel like a freaking 90 year old woman sometimes.
I’m going to have an appointment with a network chiropractor next week. I know it helped me a long time ago, so I’m interested to see if it will help again. I was seeing a regular crack-your-back kind of chiropractor last year, and I think it actually made everything worse. Hard to know for sure, but that’s my gut feeling. I also very much need a mattress topper. I think my mattress is not good for me.
So, that’s no fun. And then in the past few days I have been getting the all over hurting, very tired, kind of fuzzy state that I had a few years when I was really sick with Lyme Disease/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. It is something that comes and goes but for the past year-plus I have felt very good with relatively little pain. I think that too much stress or trying to do too much is what makes it get bad. They are chronic diseases, after all, and I don’t know if I will ever be able to get rid of them entirely.
My finger joints are also stiff and painful, and some amount of tendonitis is happening in my right thumb and pinkie. This is at its worst in the morning when I wake up. This is new, and I’m not sure if it’s beginning arthritis, related to the Lyme, or what.
OKAY, THAT IS OUT OF MY SYSTEM. IF YOU SKIPPED THE BORING BODY COMPLAINING, YOU CAN PICK UP HERE.
Voices. In my head. Right, those ones. Telling me I’m ridiculous and what am I doing and I should get a job already. That I can’t write and I certainly am not a photographer. And FILM making, SCREENWRITING?! Am I insane? That everything I think I want is beyond my reach. That I’m too old. That…well, on and on they go.
So, the first task each day is to open the gate to their corral and send them out to the upper pastures where they can talk all they want but I can more easily ignore them. I have more or less success with this on any given day; mostly, though, I’ve gotten good at herding them, and they’ve become relatively docile, following my direction and moving along willingly. They even seem to like it out there in the “back 40.”
I just ordered a bunch of photography supplies online. I felt almost light-headed when I opened the box and pulled out boxes of 100 sheets of pearl and 100 sheets of glossy photo paper. And an archive storage box, with archival preserve sheets for 8X10 and 5X7 photographs. Four rolls of film. And also a stack of DVDs for me to put my little slide show movies onto so I can send them to people. YES. Forget the voices. This is what life is about.
But an ongoing struggle is the daily effort to write, read, do other schoolwork, work for money, eat well, stay connected…get anything done. I don’t know where the time goes; I don’t know what I do all day. It will be 8 am and I have the world before me. Suddenly it’s noon, lunchtime. Then it’s 5pm, dinner. Then it’s 8 and the day is over. My to-do list probably grew longer and nothing (or on a good day, one thing) got crossed off.
Stacks of paper grow around me. I need a desk with drawers, more shelves, places to put things. But I am living on a shoestring, voluntarily, so there’s no money. And even if I found stuff, my back hurts, so it’s hard for me to get it here. And the idea of asking others to help me makes me balk. It’s not so much the asking as it is the subsequent coordination that will be involved. I don’t know why I resist that since I’m a good organizer. But, for whatever reason, I do.
Okay. So. That enough of the inside of my head? Am I just complaining? Please, help me out here and if you read this far, let me know—CAN YOU RELATE?
I really want to know. I’m not asking for advice. I’m asking if any of my experience has relevance for you, personally.