Almost two months since my last post. Oh, yes, it’s true. As time unfolded it just seemed more and more like there was too much to say. It kept me from writing. Now of course there’s more. However, I will digest it for you and convey the abridged version:
Grace and Bruce’s wedding was fantastically beautiful. I’m going to try to upload the “movie” I made from photos I took during the ceremony. Let me know if you can see it. I know you might not be interested in someone else’s wedding, but it’s my first very own video attempt. I just sort of stumbled through iMovie to figure it out. Okay, never mind. It won’t upload a quicktime movie. Not sure what to do about that so maybe someday my first video project will be live online somewhere. I tried to put it on YouTube but the music I use is protected and the movie has no soundtrack if you view it there. That was a bummer!
But the movie is important, and I’m writing about it, because it was part of the process I went through that culminated in me deciding not to apply for the MFA. I really sat with all that fear and other stuff that was coming up, and dove in deeply to what was true for me. I realized that I really want to explore a few art forms, including photography and film. And that I don’t know yet what I want to do. That I was wanting to latch on to something that was “what I am doing” so that I didn’t have to sit in the discomfort of not-knowing. As I realized this, my reluctance to experience not-knowing began to fall away, and I decided to return to Santa Cruz, take classes in photography and writing and media at Cabrillo College, and explore multiple avenues of expression.
At first I thought I would still stay in Wenatchee until the end of January, but then–well, then winter came. And WOW it got cold. The greens died, I froze, and I started missing my friends and the ocean. So, I came back. I’ve been in Santa Cruz over a week now. I have been staying at my old community house, in the guestroom. I am getting registered at Cabrillo, and think I’ve found a perfect community to live in. The only thing now is to find a job. I am seriously at rock-bottom cash flow, so I’m hoping and praying for a miracle. I am sure that somehow it’s gonna come my way, but I’m getting worried. I admit. So if you read this, say a prayer and imagine me working and making money. Thanks!
Well, I actually think that sums up the basics. There is much more, and it’s been quite amazing. Mostly on an internal level which I’m not sure how to write about. Or if anyone would be interested. Somehow I get the sense that it IS interesting to at least some people, but I am not sure how best to express it. That’s part of what I want to work on in the coming months.
Okay, that’s it for now. Over and out, people. lots of love and I’ll leave you with this from today’s Osho Zen Tarot:
Buddha has chosen one of the really very potential words – shunyata. The English word, the English equivalent, “nothingness”, is not such a beautiful word. That’s why I would like to make it “no-thingness” – because the nothing is not just nothing, it is all. It is vibrant with all possibilities. It is potential, absolute potential. It is unmanifest yet, but it contains all.
In the beginning is nature, in the end is nature, so why in the middle do you make so much fuss? Why, in the middle, becoming so worried, so anxious, so ambitious – why create such despair? Nothingness to nothingness is the whole journey.
Being “in the gap” can be disorienting and even scary. Nothing to hold on to, no sense of direction, not even a hint of what choices and possibilities might lie ahead. But it was just this state of pure potential that existed before the universe was created.
All you can do now is to relax into this no-thingness…fall into this silence between the words…watch this gap between the outgoing and incoming breath. And treasure each empty moment of the experience. Something sacred is about to be born.